Knowing When to Strike

I haven't been as well as I'd have liked this past month. The dirty laundry that has thankfully resolved itself was very stressful and had a negative impact on my energy levels. I had to miss sword class for all of September. Now, however, I'm doing much better and I'm ready to feel strong again.

Tonight was my first sword class back. It was a sweaty affair and I had to remember some basics (and some things my body never forgot), but I came away feeling fantastic. I'll be feeling it tomorrow, of course, but it's the good kind of pain. Not only did I have an intense workout, but during the combat part at the end of the night, when we all donned masks and gorgés and paired off to fight each other, a classmate of mine uttered an absolute gem:

"You've gotta recognize when you've gained the sword and have the advantage, and then you need to strike."

For context: "gaining the sword" is when you have control over your opponent's sword (due to the position of the blades and the strength of said position). Part of the exercise involved constructively criticizing each other's work, and my classmate noticed a key mistake: there were times when I had him dominated, but I didn't strike. This gave him a chance to disengage and gain my sword.

Oh. ... Oh.

I haven't been striking because I haven't had the confidence to strike. I haven't believed that I had the advantage, but I have. All I need is an attitude shift. When the advantage is staring me in the face and I don't grab it, I'm only doing a disservice to myself.

So when I've been successful with many recent writing endeavors and yet continue to hesitate about actually submitting my work, the only one who pays the price is me.

You could say that this post is mostly a reaffirmation of what I was talking about last week, about how I feel I've been dawdling and hesitating about submitting my work because I lack confidence, and how it's not getting me anywhere. But I definitely I needed to hear my classmate's words, because the minute he spoke them, things clicked.

I may not know what will come of things once I send out my WIP (which is now down to seven things I need to fix, and boy am I glad for the coming long weekend), but I'm feeling pretty good about it. I need to put myself out there.

Otherwise, my nasty opponents Fear and Self Doubt will get the chance to disengage and strike.

On Pens and Swords

"You've got to check your ego at the door."

I was at a party the day I heard those words. My friend's partner was having a birthday, and they'd just moved in to their new place together, so the event doubled as a housewarming. Or rather, "Housearming". The happy couple both study swordplay, something which I *finally* got to start doing myself in February. Since then I've been blessed to take lessons at Academie Duello, a school for western martial arts. Currently I'm learning the rapier.

The speaker was talking about swordfighting, of course. Most of the partygoers were from the Academie. And what she meant was that it can be easy to be too overconfident, or to think you know more than the rest. Of everything I've learned, that line has stuck with me, and for one reason: it's true.

And it prompted a vital realization: I love taking sword classes. There's a fantastic fitness element to it and I am sure it will work its way into my Fantasy writing. And I won't deny that it's fun to say, "Well, in sword class the other day..."! But what I think I like best about it is that I am a beginner. I am still learning. And I am completely okay with that.

With writing? Not so much.

When I comment at Magical Words, I try to take an attitude that I'm a student and I'm learning, for no other reason than the fact that I don't want to ever get the attitude that I've learned enough about writing and I don't have to learn any more. I'm sure we can all name authors who seem to be phoning it in after awhile. I want to keep learning. I want to be a publishworthy writer.

But that doesn't mean I've been able to check my ego. Writing is something I've been doing for as long as I can remember. Being a storyteller (which very early on, translated in my mind to getting published) is something I want to do as my job. Over the years, I've learned more and more about the craft, and each new novel or rewrite shows that growth. And then I turned twenty, and I started to get impatient. I wrote and rewrote a few times more, but each time, I felt as if I was done, as if I was ready. I started going to SiWC. And anytime I was around other (unpublished) writers, I had this kept-to-myself feeling that I was somehow smarter and better in some way.

(A horrible, horrible thought, I know. But it was there. And as I've said about my experiences in Pen Name Hell, to deny its existence would be wrong.)

Now I'm nearly thirty. I've been writing for more than two decades, now. I'm acutely aware that there is so much I have to learn. I would *like* to finally feel that my writing is "good enough", and maybe I'm starting to feel that way again, at last, except that now I'm bracing for not being "good enough" and having to start over, again, because I haven't reached the right level.

And this time, if it's true, I'm okay with it.

Confidence? That's good to have. Self-confidence especially. You've got to believe in yourself enough to pick up that pen or that sword in the first place. But there is no place for cockiness on this path. Check your ego at the door. And get writing!