.As I said in my previous post,
there's been a lot of Stuff going on for me lately. Enough for me to have a
personal investment in this initiative, even though this is nonetheless neither
the place or time for me to discuss particulars. But this topic is important. The Mental Wellness for Writers
panel at ConCarolinas this June was heartfelt, honest, raw, and hands down, my
favourite one this year. And out of respect for all who participated and
shared, it's not one I'll ever take notes at.
Timing's a funny thing, though. I
had recently written this scene during revisions to my novel, SIGN OF THE STAR,
which will be on submission soon. And it felt important to share.
Background: A princess with
healing powers who escaped murder as a child must choose between being the healer she
wants to be and the country that needs her. When she encounters a fugitive
nobleman seeking the lost princess, circumstances force them to travel together, and she learns that guarding her secret also means guarding her heart. At one point the two are kidnapped, but before they can escape, the bandits are attacked by
a warring group. As a servant of the Land, Janni must deal with.the
aftermath—and its consequences.
* * *
Lingering tendrils
of clouds, violet-edged with the last of sunset, curled about distant peaks,
clinging to them like smoke capped a fire.
My stomach turned.
I tasted bile. Grimacing, I glanced away.
“Are you all
right?” Concern tinged Brennant’s voice, as it had since we left Karovar.
I ignored him and
focused on the road ahead, pressing onward. Shoving away thoughts of the pyre
smoke’s stench, of copper and musk, acrid and sweet.
“We should stop
before it gets any darker.”
Hmph. Likely Hush would have purred her agreement,
but the puma had already gone off to hunt. I kept walking.
Away from the ashes
of our work. The grim task I’d suggested, and now wished I could forget. Days had passed
since we’d left Baesh, and yet the mindless slaughter still ate at me.
The morning after the battle, building the pyre had consumed the rest of the daylight. None of the dead had been less than half the chief's massive size, and all were far too heavy to drag on my own. Brennant saw my struggle with a corpse and rushed to help me, but then Baesh cursed and sent me into the woods to gather deadfall instead. And when we were ready, both men looked at me to speak.
The morning after the battle, building the pyre had consumed the rest of the daylight. None of the dead had been less than half the chief's massive size, and all were far too heavy to drag on my own. Brennant saw my struggle with a corpse and rushed to help me, but then Baesh cursed and sent me into the woods to gather deadfall instead. And when we were ready, both men looked at me to speak.
I opened my
mouth—and faltered. This was no Deathswen ritual, where the names of the newly dead
were spoken to honour their memory. There were no loved ones to mourn their
passing, no scribes to log their fates.
There was only me.
“We stand before
the fallen,” I said, grasping for what words I could find. “Soldiers and
captives, worthy and wicked. As we release them from the Land into the sky, may
their souls find peace.” Spreading my hands, unable I looked at Brennant for help.
He met my gaze
with his own, gave a grim approving nod. “May their souls find peace.”
Baesh, torch in
hand, set his jaw. “Aye.” He lifted the flame high. “May their souls find
peace.”
With that, he set
the pyre alight.
The bodies burned
until dawn. None of us slept until noon.
Brennant and I stayed
another night at the clearing, too heartsore and worn to resume the journey at
once. At least, that’s how I’d felt. The next morning, Baesh had taken us as
far as the northern Karish border, where the wilds and some semblance of a road
resumed at last.
And I still couldn’t
shake the ghastly scene, that cloying reek of the dead, from my mind.
So on I walked.
“Janni.” He sped
up and grabbed my wrist.
I jerked it away.
“Scorch it, Brennant. What do you
want?”
“It’s been four
days since we left Karovar, and you’ve barely spoken.” There was raw hurt in
his voice. “What’s wrong?”
“It doesn’t
matter. Come along.” I frowned at the road ahead. Maybe we could make it as far
as the next mountain before full dark—
“Night falls
quickly around here. You should have noticed by now.” He spread out his cloak,
all he had left of the things he’d bartered from Derva. Everything else had
been lost when we were kidnapped.
“What are you
doing? We have to keep moving.”
Had to get to the
vision-lady and her people before anyone else suffered.
He crossed his
arms. “No.”
“Then catch up
with me tomorrow.” I strode away.
Brennant snorted.
“Fine,” he called. “Clearly you’re too foolish to listen to your escort. More
proof that Sordinak made me go with you to protect you from yourself.”
That halted me in my tracks. How dare he.
“I have been
summoned, Brennant. I have to get there, and soon. There’s nothing foolish
about that—”
He threw up his
hands. “There is when you won’t listen to reason! How can you help the woman if
you’re injured—or worse, dead?”
“If I don’t hurry,
who knows what else will happen?”
“We’re going as
fast as we can safely. That’s enough—”
“It’s my fault
they died.”
There. I finally
said it. The truth I’d been holding in since the pyre, since the attack. I
collapsed to my knees, my pack hitting the ground with a thud.
Brennant was on
his feet and at my side at once. “What do you mean?”
“I keep seeing the
bodies. The blood. The pyre. Every time I close my eyes.” I stifled a sob. “And
I’m the reason for it.”
“I don’t
understand.”
“Everyone who died
in the battle perished because of me.” I sniffed. “The soldiers. The prisoners.
Even Baesh’s men. If he’d paid more attention to them instead of protecting me,
they wouldn’t have betrayed him. And all of them paid the price. All so I could
live.”
His lips thinned.
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Crouching, he took my hand, and as he stroked the
palm with his thumb, for once I didn’t flinch. “What the men did isn’t your
fault. It’s theirs.”
Bitter and hot,
the tears I’d held back for five nights finally broke free. “But—”
“No. They were
criminals and traitors. That raid happened so easily, it’s obvious they were
colluding with the Korish.” He reached out and gently touched the spot between
my shoulder blades, flooding me with warmth. “Besides, think of the good you’ve
done. You healed the barkeep’s son. Baesh, too. And if not for you, Elasa’s
daughter might have died.”
“That doesn’t
matter. All that death—” I choked back another sob.
“You can’t blame yourself.”
Shifting, Brennant took both my hands now and squeezed. “The Land has its
reasons for all things. We have to focus on the good, and fight for that.”
I bit my lip. The
words were a platitude he’d probably picked up in the priesthood, but Zira had often
said the same over the years. I never quite understood; I was a healer, not a
fighter.
But maybe that’s
what they meant. I could help people. That’s all that mattered, and why I’d
made my choice.
Releasing a ragged
sigh, I squeezed back. Shivered at his intent gaze, and looked to the distant peaks,
where the clouds had scattered. “So what should I do, then?”
“As you said,
we’ll keep moving forward.” Brennant helped me to my feet. “But first, let’s
get some rest.”
* * *
About the campaign:
#HoldOnToTheLight is a blog campaign
encompassing blog posts by fantasy and science fiction authors around the world
in an effort to raise awareness around treatment for depression, suicide
prevention, domestic violence intervention, PTSD initiatives, bullying
prevention and other mental health-related issues. We believe fandom should be
supportive, welcoming and inclusive, in the long tradition of fandom taking
care of its own. We encourage readers and fans to seek the help they or their
loved ones need without shame or embarrassment.
Please consider donating to or
volunteering for organizations dedicated to treatment and prevention such as:
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Home for the Warriors (PTSD), National
Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Canadian Mental Health Association, MIND
(UK), SANE (UK), BeyondBlue (Australia), To Write Love On Her Arms and the
National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
To find out more about #HoldOnToTheLight,
find a list of participating authors, or reach a media contact, go to the
#HoldOntoTheLight Facebook group; or, check out the website or Facebook page.
